Now that I've gotten a grip...

Perhaps it is because I vented or the Good Lord is kind and eased my mind... I feel better today and hope to show it in all I say and do. What ever I do, I will trust God and try very hard not to be deceived by the lies and wiles and guiles of the devil in the world... one day at a time... the song has it right! LOL... Peace in Jesus

Backward swim through time

I can't escape... It takes no more than a thought, a flash, a smell, a sound... and there I am feeling my son's last heart beat beneath my hand... hearing his last breath as he struggles for air and his body is shutting down and there I am again... it happens so fast
It takes a moment to get a grip, realize what has happened... why my gut wrenches and my face burns with scalding tears and sorrow so deep I am drowing fills me up to over flowing...
memories, disappointments, unrequited, unresolved feeling, issues, events, choices... all ineffectual for change, only sorrow and I want to die from it even as I know I cannot...
I have to Trust God for the out come... I have too. I cannot live with the thought that I will not see my son again alive and whole and happy in Christ...
I must let God get my venge for me because I would have no mercy and there would not be enough pain to satisfy the deep craving towards the one who hurt my son when he was small... nor enough forgiveness for me because I was blind I could not see and let a monster get past me... to hurt my sons and I didn't realize till it was too late why my son was the way he was at the end so that I could not speak to him nor touch him till that last weekend that I saw him alive and I told him about Christ and then he was gone... and left me here to weep alone in a house where people come and go and no one knows that I cry continuously and I wonder, where does all this water come from running sometimes unnoticed down my face.
Now my mother has died... I hardly knew her... she didn't want to know me, my mother didn't like me. Personally I think it was because I was so much like her and she could see herself too plain when she looked at me. When we were together I would bring her what ever she was thinking about while she only thought it in her head and she would marvel, but I didn't... Ive always been able to pick things out of peoples minds if I'm too close for too long, it just happens... she told me I was a monster when I was born and she told them to take me away... I cried real tears when I was born... running from my eyes as I cried... the nurses used me to show new mothers how to bathe a baby while my own mother wanted nothing to do with me... she played dressup with me like I was a doll... playing dressup was what she like to do... but not love... she might have loved me in some way, but not that I knew it ever...
I think on her and think of my son whom I so wanted and loved, even as he turned on me again and again when he was alive, hating me... I never knew why... He would rage and rant and destroy things and.... I would get so angry with him because he would not... (now I know He Could-not) be right... be nice... want to help me make a nice home for us... My son was damaged by life and I could not help him and it is killing me so That I have not gone out or felt the joy of life since his passing, only deep regret and sorrow and I find nothing to hold me... nothing to fix the pain... no interest in life or living except when I think of the Holy Spirit and Gods Promises through His Son Christ Jesus on the cross and ressurrected and ascended and returning with a promise... I will trust God and keep going as best I can till all this is over and the next life begins again//// One day at a time.
I have to remember my children who are living and the grandkids growing up and focus on that focus on that focus on that and focus on that.........

Disaster movies for the near future....

Wonder how many people who for what ever reason take these things (Killemallletgodsortemoutmovies) to heart... and How very very many either don't know any better or believe they are (right or wrong and) prophetic and so set up their own appocalypse... create it right out of dvd hell.... a reality for the future where no one prospers and each gets his own and nobody and nuthin are gettin in the way and mercy is for sissys and no where is there a wise Man or Woman to be found.... Already I see the change in the look in peoples eyes when I am out and about... more wary and watchful... more serious and sober dimentions in their expressions. asking them selves the simile of the question, "Would I get to ride on the big boat???"

It's just a movie.... Thats what they all say..."just a movie. It don't hurt nuthin..." or it.... " doesn't affect me.... me... me... me ...."

Trust God. When all of Man's world crumbles down, Our Fathers Kingdom will still stand, for all the corrupt polititians and Mega corps running the world into the ground... LOLOL Hahaha Heheheh... get it... ??? running the 'earth' into the 'ground' ???... get it??? have you no sense of irony or pun??? Isn't it Fun?!
Trust God. He knows His own, even when we dispair God is there... we need only remember and trust him. The true God, the one who sent his son to die for us on the cross and rose from the tomb to save us from our sins....... Do not listen to the False Prophet who tells you to kill.... Christ Jesus said, "Repent." (of you error (sin)) "This new commandment I give you, that you Love God with All your Being and Love one another as your self." forgive lest you be judged by your own judgement." Big difference between loving your neighbor as your self and blowing up everyone because you don't care about anybody at all.
I'd rather have a loving God who created me because he loved me and gave his life for me and paid the cost of my debt to set me free and give me riches of the spirit and peace beyond compare.... It's not about people, its about Powers and Principalities and good and evil Spirits at work in the world in a struggle for the souls of Mankind... Is it the Light saber for you Master Luke or a tad bit more to the darkside .... time to choose is fast approaching....
Which Force inhabits you grasshopper?
I Am grateful to be born in this Nation... as a person on Planet earth... that's a bit more iffy...
only thing keeps ne going is the Saviors Promise. I rely on that Promise in Faith... one breath at a time.... I just keep breathing. Trust God.