Backward swim through time

I can't escape... It takes no more than a thought, a flash, a smell, a sound... and there I am feeling my son's last heart beat beneath my hand... hearing his last breath as he struggles for air and his body is shutting down and there I am again... it happens so fast
It takes a moment to get a grip, realize what has happened... why my gut wrenches and my face burns with scalding tears and sorrow so deep I am drowing fills me up to over flowing...
memories, disappointments, unrequited, unresolved feeling, issues, events, choices... all ineffectual for change, only sorrow and I want to die from it even as I know I cannot...
I have to Trust God for the out come... I have too. I cannot live with the thought that I will not see my son again alive and whole and happy in Christ...
I must let God get my venge for me because I would have no mercy and there would not be enough pain to satisfy the deep craving towards the one who hurt my son when he was small... nor enough forgiveness for me because I was blind I could not see and let a monster get past me... to hurt my sons and I didn't realize till it was too late why my son was the way he was at the end so that I could not speak to him nor touch him till that last weekend that I saw him alive and I told him about Christ and then he was gone... and left me here to weep alone in a house where people come and go and no one knows that I cry continuously and I wonder, where does all this water come from running sometimes unnoticed down my face.
Now my mother has died... I hardly knew her... she didn't want to know me, my mother didn't like me. Personally I think it was because I was so much like her and she could see herself too plain when she looked at me. When we were together I would bring her what ever she was thinking about while she only thought it in her head and she would marvel, but I didn't... Ive always been able to pick things out of peoples minds if I'm too close for too long, it just happens... she told me I was a monster when I was born and she told them to take me away... I cried real tears when I was born... running from my eyes as I cried... the nurses used me to show new mothers how to bathe a baby while my own mother wanted nothing to do with me... she played dressup with me like I was a doll... playing dressup was what she like to do... but not love... she might have loved me in some way, but not that I knew it ever...
I think on her and think of my son whom I so wanted and loved, even as he turned on me again and again when he was alive, hating me... I never knew why... He would rage and rant and destroy things and.... I would get so angry with him because he would not... (now I know He Could-not) be right... be nice... want to help me make a nice home for us... My son was damaged by life and I could not help him and it is killing me so That I have not gone out or felt the joy of life since his passing, only deep regret and sorrow and I find nothing to hold me... nothing to fix the pain... no interest in life or living except when I think of the Holy Spirit and Gods Promises through His Son Christ Jesus on the cross and ressurrected and ascended and returning with a promise... I will trust God and keep going as best I can till all this is over and the next life begins again//// One day at a time.
I have to remember my children who are living and the grandkids growing up and focus on that focus on that focus on that and focus on that.........